March 12, 2012

I was a Girl Scout leader for many years. I was involved in my troop and my unit. I actually received honors as an outstanding leader and volunteer. I had to pay those girls a lot of money to nominate me. (enter snicker) I'm proud of the work I did with the girls. They are all grown now and wonderful strong women. It's almost like my co leaders and I made a difference or something. Well at least I know Scouting did. It made a difference to me too.

Today I did some lighting designs again. I'm having to learn/relearn a lot of things. My server bounces emails from their server so I have to use gmail. I'm not fond of it at this point because I don't get everything there. I use it as an alternate address and have mail forwarded to my other account. Another skill I must learn.

Then there is this darn CAD program I have. It's kind of like Autodesk, but not. Every time I try something I learn something new. I can almost draw on it now. I can at least add dimensions now, but I still can't figure out how to draw things the size I want in the first place. I find the tools, but don't know how to use them. It's really annoying. And I really need to learn it if I'm going to do work for people. Or I could just shell out $500 for an old used Autodesk program. Not likely to happen.

I remembered a friend suggested another program, just looked up the price $1200, better than Autodesk $2600, but if I had either of that, I'd have working car. Oh well, I'll just struggle with the program I have and someday, I'll be a better person for it. After all, I was one of the first designers, at least in lighting to use CAD to design at all. I've talked many a designer into using it too.

At least I can use the program right now to alter my old drawings to make new ones. That's better than nothing.

March 7, 2012

Sometimes I think I am so dysfunctional. I know a lot of you out there think you are too. Am I really? Or is it just that when I am strong and self reliant, or opinionated and aggressive, I must be a bitch. Or at least that's how society looks at it.

Once at a bar, the bartender made me a foamy drink to play a stupid game with. I was supposed to end up with the foam all over me to look like I had performed some sex act. So funny right? It was in a plastic cup. I told the guy I wouldn't play and I was going to make a mess of it. I warned him and said “OK I'm going to do this now” holding my clenched fist over the glass. He smiled and said “OK”. Women aren't the only dumb blonds.

I smashed my fist down on the glass, with a huge smile on my face, and at such an angle that the foam splashed more the bartender's direction. He was furious. I was such a bitch. I reminded him that I told him I wasn't going to play his demeaning game and that I warned him before I did it. He just kept cursing while he cleaned up the mess. I doubt to this day, that he completely understood what happened. He just thinks I'm a crazy bitch and he was a cool dude.

So the question is, am I dysfunctional, or has society made me think I am? Every time I get a great job, I end up butting heads with an arrogant male who is sure they know more about everything than I do. Not that they are all that way, but many of the team or company leaders are. I have worked with some pretty wonderful men who have had my back, because they were raised to think women CAN know a thing or two.

OK so I still think I'm dysfunctional. At least a bit, because I do not have the ability to kiss ass or take abuse without fighting back.

I also remember when I first learned CAD drawings. My whole design team, drew by hand and then engineers redrew what we did on CAD to send to factories. I asked my boss if I could take a little time on a free computer to try to do a simple project. For the next few months I went from computer, to computer, where the engineers were out of the office and taught myself CAD, or learned from some of the guys.

Because I did such great work, I was given a computer of my own to design on. No one in the Design Department had computers. Well, it was after all the end of the 20^th Century. We didn't email our communications with China factories, we faxed them.

I didn't think it was fair, and one of the other designers actually knew CAD. I tried to get computers for everyone but it wasn't happening. We were actually the only department that didn't have computers. Well, the director did and the assistant did too.

I decided, to send an email from my computer to all the heads of the company, including the owner and my boss as to the benefits and cost savings to the company if the whole department had computers to work with. You would think I sent bomb threats to everyone. I could not believe the reaction. It was like I committed the biggest sin. How dare I stand up for my fellow designers, after all, there was no money in the budget for the largest company of this particular product to get computers for designers. And what no one could understand, was why I would ask for them when I already had one.

It really did cause a lot of problems, but the department eventually all got computers, and most of the designers learned CAD and used the computers to design with. We also got interns that I eventually supervised and all in all. I saved the company a lot of time and money. MEN!!!

February 13, 2012

I took another break on the flower shop today, I worked on some aprons and bow ties I sold. I keep thinking that maybe I would just be better off resigning myself to sewing, because although I could make a lot of money designing, I'm really not sure that's what I want to do.

I started sewing by hand when I was little, and then by machine when I was about 14. I did a lot of embroidery when I was younger. Kits, but they were well done. I was not a patient crafter though. I could only finish things if they took a few days at the most. I still prefer design to making, because it's over and passed on really quickly. I also learned how to work really fast, because I get bored quickly.

I got my first sewing machine for my 16^th birthday. It was a wonderful machine. At that point in my life, I planned on becoming a fashion designer. I even took tailoring classes in high school and designed a lot of my own clothes.

I had some money for college, but not enough to get into any fashion schools. I didn't know anything about financial aid or loans. My high school counselor advised that I take typing, because a secretary was a good career for a woman. I sometimes with I knew where she lived so I could have left her a flaming bag of, well, you know. At any rate, she was no help to me at all, and I missed out on college, because of very bad advice.

It took quite a few years, but I finally went back to school and what did I do to earn money for tuition? You guessed it, I sewed in a drapery shop. I made beautiful custom drapes, bedding and slipcovers for interior designers clients.

Not sure why I have such an aversion to sewing now, but I really don't like it. Maybe it's a stat of mind and I should learn to like it. Maybe I need to create my own thing or my own process of sewing.

I don't plan to give up on my flowers just yet, but it is nice to know that I have something to rely on

in the mean time.

February 12, 2012

I was remembering the first time I built a porch railing. It seemed so daunting. There were 2 columns (actually 4, 2 at each corner) and I had to construct 2 newel posts railing and balusters. I also had 2 old flower boxes I wanted to save and mount on the front balusters.

My pictures are in a box in storage somewhere, but I found this picture on Google Maps. I also found my childhood home. You can move around the whole street, the whole neighborhood. I find it very creepy that someone cam out to those neighborhoods and took all of that photography to post on Google maps. I always thought those guys hanging out on the streets were surveyors. I think some of them were Google spies.

The Newels were the hardest to construct. I didn't just buy them. I built a frame and constructed a hollow post over it. There was a square plate with a short 4X4 screwed to the porch, and a 4X4 piece at the top. Then a square top with a round finial.

The railing was not as hard as I thought because the railing has spots for the balusters to sit. It was a little tricky, because you either assemble the whole railing and mount it or assemble the bottom with balusters and try to fit on the top. I opted for that, because I really didn't want to try to hold up the completed piece and attach the top and bottom rails all at the same time. I had some help, but it was not an easy thing to accomplish with even 4 hands.

It was something I wasn't sure I could do, never did before, and in the end, was very pleased with the results. I wish I could show you a picture of the porch with flowers in the boxes.

If I was a bit younger, the challenges I've given myself would not be so daunting. I would be sure I could accomplish them and tackle anything that got in my way. I'm not so young anymore. Not that age should matter, but sometimes it can be a barrier to others.

Did you know that health insurance can cost an employer twice as much for employees over 60 as for employees under 60? Not really fair, but a fact. So what to the people who turn 60 with no job prospects do until they turn 66 and are eligible for Medicare? Or depending on their age, maybe older.

Well if I don't get the Flower Jewelry business going, or get a job designing product, I can always install porch railings.

February 5, 2012

Once again I'm torn with my decisions. A week ago I was positive I needed to sell my flowers and feeling so positive that I could. This week I have my doubts. February and March are the worse months for sales for me. Last year I sold a lot of old gold jewelry to make ends meet. This year I have none left. Not really sure what I'm going to do.

I've been working on my website and have changed the fonts and re made the banners so many times it's not funny, and in reality the changes are so minor I don't know that anyone would even notice the difference. I'm so anal about things like that. Even after I tweak things I'm still not happy.

Remember when you were a kid and things were so simple. There were no choices to make, you just did what you were told, ate what was put in front of you, went to school and spent your spare time playing. I think I need to dream about playing with the neighborhood kids tonight.

I don't think I mentioned this before. I had quite an imagination and a lot of ambition as a child. I also knew how to delegate, and I don't know where that talent disappeared. Every summer, I organized some big event, a circus, a puppet show, some kind of huge money making event in our back yard, Actually I had a stand of something or another going on all the time. I'd sell lemonade, or comic books Sometimes I'd just haul out everything I owned on our front lawn and waited for sales.

The circus was fun. I was a fortune teller, in a tent made from laundry poles and blankets. Friends were in charge of the animals, a cat and several jars of insects, Other friends performed. We didn't have too many customers, other than younger siblings, because most of the neighborhood kids were involved.

You would think that someone who was that clever, industrious and totally in charge as a kid, wouldn't be so dysfunctional as an adult. Maybe if I dream about being a kid, I'll find some clarity.  

February 1, 2012

I saw a skein of yarn online and I thought of how many interesting things we used to touch and do with our hand when I was young. Seems like all we do is touch keys or buttons these days. \

When I was young, yarn came in a huge skein. You untwisted it and two of you would make a ball of yarn of it. One would hold the skein, while the other wound the ball. It was a wonderful sensation, so relaxing. Letters were typed on a typewriter. When you got to the end of the paper, a little bell would ding and you hit the carriage return to roll the paper up and start the next line. Telephones had rotary dials that had this kind of tug and your fingers when you spun the dial and a clicking return.

I used to use an old egg beater to make eggs when I was young. You held the handle with one hand and turned a crank with the others. My grandfather mowed our lawn with a spindle mower. No need for gas or wires. And when you needed to change the channel on the TV, you got up off you butt, walked over to the TV and changed it. OK so maybe there WERE only three channels to choose from back then.

I love to work with my hands. I love to craft, to build and to garden. Maybe the reason so many people are making and selling crafts these days is to do something with their hands.

I'm feeling the weight of nothing going right today. Recent purchases are screwed up. Sales are dropping rapidly. I remember last year feeling the pinch. I don't even have tax return to look forward to because I owe about $3000 in back taxes, long story. We could really use the car repaired too, but I'll be lucky to make enough to survive on.

The thing that amazes me is that each of the past 5 years, we earn less and less, and yet we seem to do OK. It really can't get too much worse. I'm trying to make a go of my craft, but I think I may have to “get a real job”. Just a little down in the dumps today. Feeling there are just not enough people out there who like my product, to support myself, no matter what I offer.

January 17, 2012

Wondering why I keep writing about things from my past? Memories like those are what I am made of. They are what I use to base my decisions making on. We all have a vast amount of experience and memories that we compile and pull from when we make decisions. Sometimes that is what and why we dream, to sort things out.

When I was in College, I would program myself to problem solve during my sleep. If I had a project or problem I couldn't figure out, I would think about it before I went to sleep and most often I would wake up with the solution. The mind is an amazing machine.

I seem to solve things better when I'm asleep, because when I'm awake there is so little focus. I'm supposed to be planning my flower jewelry packaging and new merchandise, and working on my design portfolio. So what do I think about in the tub today? My dream tiny house. I even started imagining plans and dimensions today. I really want a tiny house. I'd love to have one on a little piece of semi secluded land. I want it to be eco, with a composting toilet and solar panels, maybe a small cistern for collecting water. I don't want to be overly eco though, because I want t full sized tub, not just a teeny shower. I think I want a small full refrigerator too. And I can't be totally off the grid. I need my Internet.

I did my photo shoot today. Model was great, but lighting was not. I also had too many things to do, so only took one picture of most. Bad idea. Some were kind of hazy. But they are more for atmosphere and teasing anyhow. Most of them will do just fine. I wasn't crazy about the lighting in some shots. There were shadows that I didn't like much. But I do have a lot of new product for the shop.

Working my tail off on my flower jewelry and accessory shop, and what do I sell? Aprons, bow ties and Aprons, clutches and Aprons.  

January 16, 2012

The first time I went to China to develop painted finishes (not my first trip to China) I had a horrible cold. I was working at a factory where no one spoke English and I had a translator/manager that was new and didn't understand paint or paint terms. Nothing could be translated for me. I had to be creative and I had to use other terms that could be understood.

The finish manager, brought me solvents for the paint and pointed me to two different sections of paint. There were 2 sections. She held the solvents in front of my nose so I could tell which was which. (I'm sure that was healthy for me to inhale the fumes) Unfortunately I had the worst cold I had in years and could not smell a thing. I had no idea what I had. I tried to explain, but I don't think it was translated well.

I sat at a table made for me and tried to work with the paints. I must have looked like a total fool as I tried to mix water with lacquer based paint. The finish workers must have thought “who was this fool they brought in”? Again the manager ran the solvents under my nose. Finally I asked for water based paints for me to work with. I got that through by acting like I was drinking the solvent. She brought me a few jars of dried up, fairly useless paint.

This was going to be tough. I was used to developing finishes with latex. Because latex was costly and not as flexible, and it is legal to use more volatile paints in China, they used the solvent based paints. I have to admit, once I got used to them (and the fumes) they were much easier to work with. After a few days, the shop manager realized I was sick, and she helped me with the paint problem.

They were used to having unknowledgable people come in the factory and demand the impossible. I told them, I would never make them do something I couldn't do myself. If they told me something was impossible, I would take the piece from the worker and do the task myself. It shut down the whining, because that was embarrassing, more so there than here. But I gave great praise at a job well done.

If you think buyers are hard to communicate with, try giving instructions to Chinese factory workers through a translator that does not understand the processes you are trying to explain. Sometimes you really have to get creative communicating. I did much better without the translator in the end.

Today I assembled 11 new single flower on chain necklaces and 5 headbands. I do need to make more headbands and some fascinators. I am so excited about my photo shoot tomorrow. I've started listing today, but will edit when I get the modeled pictures.

I also sold several sewn pieces. I'm so torn about this whole thing. Maybe I need to send out emissaries to wear my jewelry and pass out business cards across the country. It does seem that I'm enjoying this now, but I actually really enjoyed working in the factories in China. Hmmmm.  

January 15, 2012

My ex husband had Hepatitis C. He was diagnosed while we were separated, just before the divorce. He refused to believe it, probably because he didn't want to give up drinking. When he started having serious health problems the diagnosis was confirmed and he started to get treatment shortly before he remarried. After living with him for 19 years, obviously I could have contracted it from him. Not necessarily, but a possibility.

I mentioned the possibility to my Doctors, but they were good Doctors. They wouldn't test me until I showed symptoms. And you don't need to treat without symptoms. You see, at the time it was possible for an insurance company to drop my coverage just because I had Hepatitis C, or if I got new insurance, it would be a preexisting condition. My Doctors were protecting me. But I was cautious.

My first grandson lived with me, I helped to raise him. I didn't know if I carried the disease so I was always overly cautious. I worried that a bloody hangnail, or a cut could infect him. Unlike my usual casual attitude about cleanliness, I was overly clean. I also worried that I might have exposed my own children, as I didn't know for sure, when my ex was exposed (although I had an idea) or if I was, and when. It was hard, because I always worried about harming my family. And then the laws changed. That was when the health privacy laws went into effect. I finally got my test and thankfully I didn't have Hepatitis C.

Some things in life you have no control over, no matter how much planning, preventing, and worrying you do. Some things in life turn out for the best, no matter how dim the prospects.

Today, I actually got a little work done. I tinted a few acrylic beads, and cut, sculpted and assembled a few flowers. I also got a brilliant idea about packaging. And it was a direct result of a lovely floral image from Pinterest. I can't begin to praise that site. For a visual artist it is the greatest source of inspiration you can get from your sofa. Granted, travel is best, but with a limited budget, Pinterest is definitely a strong second.

I also tried my new headband on my darling 2 month old granddaughter and it looked so cute, I have to make her a shorter version now.

I'm really looking forward to making some packaging samples and discussing them with some of my professional friends.  

January 10, 2012

A few days ago I was remembering how many opiates I was exposed to as a child. You may not realize this, but people used to give opiates to teething children. They were easy to get back then. I was always given paregoric. It is a mild opiate, rubbed on gums for teething and to help babies sleep. It was also the usual treatment for diarrhea when I was a child.

Also when I was young we used to visit my Uncle in NYC. There was this wonderful Asian store that we always shopped in. Big Blond American woman with a small Chinese husband, ran the shop. There were cool Asian imports, like paper fans and my favorite, tiny clam shells held shut with a strip of paper. Drop them in a glass of water and the shell would open revealing a tiny paper flower on a string that floated toward the waters surface. I loved those little shells.

The shop was filled with this wonderful “incense”, smoke and air so thick you could almost slice through it. My mother hated the smell, but I loved it and drenched it all in every time we went there. In my late teen years I found out what that wonderful smell was. It was Opium, not incense. I still love the scent to this day.

Speaking of opiates, the maker of certain gas reliever and pain pills say to throw out your pills, because they might contain “powerful pain relievers”. Uh! And why would I throw them out again?

Today is Tuesday. I weigh myself Thursday to see if I lost any weight. I need to loose 2.5 lbs to reach my goal. I don't think I'll do that unless I take off my shoes. I weighed myself with my shoes on. I need to measure too to see if I loose any inches, after all, muscle weighs more... well you know.

I took my measurements, no wonder my bras don't fit. I don't think I've seen that size for a while. I will continue to wear my stretched out sports bras though, until I get back to a normal size, and if I have to go out someplace special, well my cup will have to floweth over. Oh and is your waist supposed to be the same measurement as your hips? No? I suppose it could be worse, at least it's not BIGGER.

Still no CAD drawings, although I'm tempted to try a few tonight. I should be cutting and sewing. At least I make money doing that. I had a few sales this week. Maybe I should just focus on that instead.

I might get out the floss and embroider that leaf I was planning. I did get my eco yarn, but need to figure out the lace stitches I want to make. The leaves will be easy, bot not sure about lace.